i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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