I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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