True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
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heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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