Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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