thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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