im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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