Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
COCAINE IS GR8
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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