A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
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I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
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He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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