Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
