As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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