Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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