Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
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I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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