It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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