I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize