Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize