Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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