mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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