On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
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How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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