I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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