i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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