if you like me you must not know who I am
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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