one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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