Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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