the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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