He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
