We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize