If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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