The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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