sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
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How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
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The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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