I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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