Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh god it's open bar.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize