Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
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The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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