hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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