did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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