im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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