my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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