her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
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How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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