Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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