so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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