my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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