I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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