i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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