I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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