yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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