The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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