OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
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I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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