My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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