Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
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we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize