I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he thought i was a dude.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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