My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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